I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
