you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
