she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
