Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
