I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
