I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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