No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's Friday. Sex?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we should paint friendship bongs
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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