Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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