Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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