That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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