1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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