Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
