girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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