the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
