So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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