defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
