Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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