I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
