oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
