Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
