I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
