This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
