if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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