well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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