Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
