I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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