thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
