he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
