i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
