You just made me feel so damn special
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
