I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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