he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
