Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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