New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
