your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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