dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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