You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
