His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
