using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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