Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
