Just cropdusted the office
I just gift wrapped bread.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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