How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
