The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
