btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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