My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
