we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
