I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
