I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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