go do what you do best...puke behind churches
one two three fourrrrnication!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
