Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
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