Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
