were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
