the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
