I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
