i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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