I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
