____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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