he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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